Why you shouldn’t write for an SEO company

25 Jun

So, as part of my transition out of the military I have been looking for part-time, freelance writing jobs. I recently applied to a Search Engine Optimization company that is looking for proof-readers, writers, and project managers. All jobs that I imagine I would have no trouble doing – based on my 9 years of experience as an engineering officer in the Navy combined with my actions regarding The Bullpen.

What follows is the email exchange between myself and “Susan” – who I am sure is not a real person.

From Me to Susan
Good Morning,
I am interested in applying for any one of the positions mentioned in the subject line. Attached is a copy of my resume.
In addition to my career as an engineering officer in the military I have recently created and been managing an online men’s magazine called “The Bullpen”. My experiences in the military combined with my passion for writing and attention to detail make me an ideal candidate for any of the positions mentioned in the subject line.


Cheers and I look forward to hearing back from you,

Bill McEwen

From Susan to Me

I am sending you a questionnaire for both the writer and project manager poisitions and a sample test for the proofreading position.

Please complete and return.



We are seeking long term article writers at a starting rate of $1 per 500 words. This is a steady contract position and you can expect to receive between 30-90 articles to write per week. These positions can result in years of steady work provided that the quality of your work is consistent.

There are also opportunities to earn more than this starting rate as rates are dependent on the quality of your work. We also occasionally have projects that pay up to $15 per article.


The minimum number of articles you must be able to do per 24 hours is 5 500 word articles. You must also be available to write at least 5 days per week.

You must complete at minimum 10 articles in order to receive an initial payment. If you let us know that you are quitting working with us regardless of the circumstances or disappear from the job before 10 articles have been completed a fee of $10 will be deducted from any payment that you are owed. This fee is charged in order to recover the loss of paying for the services of the recruiter that located you to work for us.

If you are still interested please complete the questionnaire below:
(the rest of the email was cut out because it was basically bullshit)
Susan A.

From Me to Susan
I am not interested in doing slave labour.

I can probably make more money picking through the garbage dump for recyclables. I understand you’re not the person setting the rates. It’s a safe bet that you’re not getting paid much either to do what you’re doing (it’s a wonder they haven’t automated your position) so hopefully this email gives you more of a laugh than anything. If you are committed to the organization you work for I highly recommend you leave that job. This is definitely a scam and that big cheque you’re waiting for? Probably won’t be coming for quite some time.

Why not work at a grocery store or a bank? Do the 8-4 and then write in the evenings – that sounds like a much better life than slaving away in front of a monitor, writing bullshit at what basically amounts to $1.00/hr. I’ll bet you signed up for this job because you wanted to be a writer.

Seriously, I think the crackheads make more panhandling down by the mission.

But I get it. The economy is in the tubes. Unless you work government, police, military, or janitor your job really isn’t that secure. You gotta take what you can get. If you want that castle in the sky and three hot lambos sitting in your driveway then you’ll really have to put your nose to the grindstone. Who knows, maybe when you’re 65 you might have finally gotten rid of your student loans.

I could write an article on recession-proof jobs…

“Willing to take home less than someone working on a goat farm in Kenya? Why not try writing for an SEO company? You get to work from the comfort of your own home – which is undoubtedly a complete shithole – and you may even make enough to pay for your internet connection! Other work may be required for you to sustain a normal life that includes such things as eating and taking the bus to go get food stamps.”

Do me a favour, Susan. Call your boss in to read this email. Let him have a chuckle or two and then turn to him and tell him he’s a total piece of shit douchebag.

I make more money taking a shit than I would working a week at your rates.

Quit your job Susan, call your bank and tell them you’re defaulting on all your loans. If they want to get a hold of you tell them you’re going to hitchike to South America where you plan to hop on a cruise ship as a tour guide (because, presumably, you can speak english). Or, maybe go to South Korea and teach english for a few years – Southeast Asia will be the next superpower – it’d be good to put down some roots over there.

With much Love,

Bill McEwen

P.S. I run an online men’s magazine at – I’ll probably be posting this there. You should check it out. If you have a boyfriend or a husband he should check it out too. It’s a lot of fun. I don’t get paid to do it, but then again – money isn’t everything is it?

1 Comment

Posted by on June 25, 2011 in Man-Sanity


Tags: , , , ,

One response to “Why you shouldn’t write for an SEO company

  1. jeff VK

    June 27, 2011 at 9:16 pm

    Taking the above job must be better than picking stones…. for the workout


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